When someone friends your guinea pig on Facebook...run the other way?

When I created a Facebook account for Eliot, it was to be cute. It was to be funny. It was because my other guinea pig had had one. I won't lie, it's also because I wanted to show off my awesome "Before & After" style naming skills. He friended a bunch of my friends, and was recently friended by another guinea pig. By the end of today, TS Eliot Stabler will have a ton of guinea pig friends. I need to make one of these for Nilla.

The problem is, once guinea pigs have profiles, they also get messages. They get messages from strange people. The first message Eliot got was from a girl who went to my high school who dated Skin Puppet after I did, having no idea whose the guinea pig was. Her message read as follows:

Alright..I have no clue who you are, but I'm a Whitesboro alumnus and I love guinea pigs and poetry, so can I be your friend? I have no animal friends on Facebook. :(

Okay, so that's weird. It gets weirder. Eliot was friended yesterday by a REALLY weird-looking guy who looked sort of hippieish and had three pictures, all of him and his weirder-looking wife. He had the same last name as Eliot, so I thought maybe he'd just friended everyone with his last name, assuming that Eliot's profile belonged to a person and not an animal. I sent him this message:

You do know I'm a guinea pig, right?

Sincerely,
Eliot

...and then ignored the friend request. Today I got this message in return:

you are the prototype of generational effect. pig is fantastic freakin desire. gratified plants beauty internal high. the stone, the philosopher the sacred heart bursting like John Keats. we broke the urn and have been having a hell of a time putting it back together.
will you as is or guinea pigdom hold sixes against my battle in hell.
I turned out to be evil in a Christian's eyes. now I can spend eternity with my friends not with some cock sucking bible thumper. be friend
or drop the matter? cheers Donnie

While I'm tempted to believe this Donnie character is actually Jon Stults, I don't think that's true. I don't know what this means, except that clearly my powers of attracting le weird have also affected my facebook life. I will save this message forever as a testament to my weirdness power.

TA DA!!!