Bank of America has terrible, TERRIBLE phone customer service.

I would like to tell you the story of an adventure I've had the last couple of days.

Wednesday morning, I decided to be lazy and park in the garage at the university so I wouldn't have to walk as far to get to my office. As per usual, I had no cash on me, so I decided to stop by the M&T ATM on my way. I put in my card and my PIN, and the machine said the following thing to me:

"We are unable to process your transaction at this time. For security reasons, your card is being withheld."

Then it went back to the home screen. After pressing a few buttons, I decided to go inside to find out what was up. I asked them to get my card back, and while I sat down and waited for them to do so I wondered what the "security reasons" were. I wondered if they had called the police. I wondered if they would come in and I would be arrested, wanted for a Texas murder I hadn't committed. I wondered if I would eventually become a made-for-TV movie, or end up being interviewed on NPR or Alternative Radio. Much to my anti-climacted chagrin, the woman just came back with my card. I asked her if she knew why that had happened, and she did not.

So, I called the number on the back of my card. First, I just called the 800 number, not knowing what the little TTY stood for and found out I'd called a number for the hearing impaired. Then, I called the right number. I spoke to a woman in India. Now, I know what you're thinking - how did you know she was actually in India? How do you know she wasn't just a naturalized Indian-American with an accent? Well, it's a reasonable guess because giant corporations like Bank of America always outsource labor (including call center labor) to "third world" countries and it's a reasonable guess. Plus, she was wearing a bindi, I could hear the haggling in the outdoor market outside her office window and she smelled of curry powder. And just as a side note - why would you outsource a speech-based job to an ESL labor force? I'm just saying.

So this woman tells me that my card had been canceled for me because they received information that my card might be compromised. It was at this point that I remembered that my mother had received a package from Bank of America that she'd sent on to me - undoubtedly what was supposed to be my new card. So while jumping for joy that the good guys had struck another blow to the world's evil, unkempt, spitting hackers at the expense of my access to my monies, I tried to ask the woman why my card had been canceled. She had no idea. So I asked her who I could talk to about that, and she put me on hold, only to come back and say that "there was no department with information about that." I said to her the following thing:

"I don't understand how you can cancel my debit card without notifying me and no one has information about that. There's NO department I can talk to? There's NO one with ANY information?"

I used my annoyed voice. She promptly transferred me to her manager, at whom I cried until she did something, explaining that I could not simply stroll down the road to my nearest Bank of America because it is 1hr15min away.

I understand it's inconvenient to live far from your bank, and I understand it's not their fault that the address on file for me is my permanent address. I am, however, signed up for internet banking, and you'd think they could set up an automatic notification if a change of card were going to occur. You'd also think they wouldn't cancel my old card until I activated the new one. But whatever.

This manager, "Michelle," said she'd overnight me a card and that she didn't have information because the card had just been closed, and apologized for any inconvenience. Fine.

So I wait for my new card. My mail arrives today and...presto chango, NO CARD COMES. Now I'm pissed off. I have no idea by which company they'll deliver the card, I don't know if they got my correct address, I don't know anything. So, I called them back. This time I got a man who told me that the address they had was missing my apt. number, he didn't know what the other woman was talking about, they couldn't overnight cards to anyone, he didn't know which call center I'd spoken to or what shipping company they'd be using so I couldn't correct the address on the card that was supposedly on its way, that he could get me one in 5 to 10 business days, and that my file didn't show that I had even called them yesterday or that I had been shipped a card since April 2.

I was full of the angry. I told him that I was "very displeased with this customer service," that "I would have to drive significantly out of my way to correct this corporate mistake," that "I had not had card access to my accounts for 48 hours and that's utterly unacceptable," and that I would like to file a complaint. He filed a complaint for me, and one can only hope that did something.

After teaching my last voice lesson of the day, I went to Wegman's to get some food for my journey, out of necessity signing up for a shopper's club card there so I could pay for a check. They had a machine that could scan my driver's license and to get all the information about me they needed, which was extremely frightening. Next step, microchips, everyone!

I drove for 1hr15min to get to Ithaca, walked into the Bank of America, and told the teller of my troubles. She sent me to a nice man named Doug, who said that he was totally flabbergasted by the service I'd received, that they were fortunate to have a customer like me and other garbage that was supposed to make me want to stay their customer instead of marching out of the bank with all my monies (frankly, that morning I'd considered just withdrawing all my funds and keeping them in shoeboxes in my closet, one labeled "Savings and the other "Checking." Not that I could use checks, I guess?). He got me a temporary debit card which will work until the new one arrives (he IS overnighting it to me, because they CAN do that) and he told me that it was likely to come by FedEx or DHL. He was very intelligent, apologetic and helpful. He also gave me his card and told me to call him instead of the call center if I ever encountered problems again.

So the moral of the story is - if you ever have a problem with Bank of America, DO NOT call their 1-800-BUL-SHIT number. Call your local bank! They can do everything the call center can do, and usually with less of a wait because they don't have such a volume of calls, and with better customer service because English is their first language and they actually see you as a person!

Of course, I think everything would be easier for society's "little guy" if the world exploded and we went back to the barter system, but what do I know?

In other news, I think as I make more monies in life I'm going to convert the camp to have self-powering solar panels, books about surviving in the wild and other things that are bomb-shelter-esque. That way, if the world really does explode, I can go there and learn to live off the land! Assuming, of course, that the canoe didn't explode along with the rest of civilization.