Contestants Never Had It So Good!

You probably know that I was recently a judge on a local, "American Idol"-style competition at a local beverage dispensary. If you didn't, now you do. It was probably one of the most hilarious things I've ever done in my life.

I got into this whole thing through my friend/former professor/oral exam committee member Paul S., who was asked to do it but couldn't because of a previous commitment. Everyone who found out I was judging the competition had the same reaction: "So you'll be Simon?" At first I thought I needed to work on my people skills, and then thought maybe they were saying that I know what I'm talking about?

I show up to the beverage dispensary at the appointed time, and Paul S. came for the beginning of the competition, though he apparently harbored some doubts about how mean I could possibly be to people I didn't know, saying that I would be "warm and encouraging" about my criticism - it's funny because people who think I'm basically nice are people who've known me since I graduated from Hamilton - the nice years. The DJ came up to the judge's table and asked "So, which of you is the mean one?" and I replied, "I think I'm your girl!" The other two judges were a female local TV personality and a local guitar school owner, who were the Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson, respectively.

When the judges were introduced, I said that I sang Classical Music, that I could judge the competition because I listen to top 40s radio, and I judge people "against my own internal standard of perfection."

The first guy who sang "checked his guitar" for way too long, and he was wearing jeans, a t-shirt, a blazer, and a Yankees baseball cap. I called P.S. over to tell him, "I'm annoyed with this one already. He looks like a freshman guy in a dorm room," to which he replied, "I think you'll do fine with this."

When I criticize people in rep class with Tim, usually I say things that people did right, followed by the things they could do better (phrased that way) and ways they might do that. I decided that for the purposes of being the mean judge, I would just outline the things people did wrong (and say it that way). So, when the first guy finished, I had the following comment:

"I couldn't understand any of the words you said, I didn't hear anything from your guitar that I haven't heard before, and you need to lose the hat."

This approach worked like a charm. I was booed like John McCain on "Democracy Now."

Other good lines of the night included:

Me (to a girl who sang a dance-type song): You had me at 'silver high heels,' but then you sang a dance song and DIDN'T DANCE AT ALL! In addition, I'm not impressed by high notes, and I'm not impressed by sheer volume...there's no need to yell at me!
Dance Girl: I wasn't yelling!
Me: It sounded like yelling from out here.
DJ (to audience): Did you guys think she was yelling?
Audience: BOO!
DJ: They don't agree with you.
Me: Find me someone else in this audience who has a Master's Degree in Voice.
DJ:...Ouch!
Dance Girl: I did my undergraduate work in music...
Me: I guess the only way to settle this is a cage match. See me later.

Me: I told you to lose your hat in the first round and you didn't.
Hat Guy: Seriously?
Me: I can't see your face if you wear a hat. Don't wear a hat.

Me (to a guy who sang some song by Akon): I HATE this song.

Me (to a guy who sang a Journey song in each of the rounds): I've heard that one already. You did it in the first round right?

Me (to a girl who sang "Unfaithful" by Rihanna): You get points from me for singing a song about putting a gun to some guy's head.
DJ: Wait, wait...she gets points for that?
Me: Violence is entertaining to me. I'm self aware; what do you want?

Apparently the act worked. Some girl who didn't even compete came up to me afterwards just to say "I just want you to know - YOU SUCK. Have a nice night." I was also approached by a woman with a poofy bleached mullet who wanted to tell me about her production company drawing up million-dollar contracts for every rapper in the business:

"We worked with Biggie...We did some work with 2-pac...I met Eminem once and asked him for 11 free t-shirts, and he said 'How about 1 free t-shirt?' and I said 'No thanks,' and then he found out who I was and was like 'Peg, how about those shirts?' and I was like 'No I don't need them' and he was like 'So why wouldn't you take just 1 t-shirt?' and I was like 'I have 11 grandchildren...you want me to just leave 10 of them out?' So now he'll always remember me 'cause I don't need him...Snoop Dog is such a nice guy, and such a great father. He tells his kids 'Don't you smoke,' and they don't, no matter how much weed is on his breath, and they don't! And he puts them through college!...And these rappers call me, and they say, 'I paid 100 grand for a piece of ass and she said she wouldn't tell my wife but now she's gonna what do I do?' And I'm like, 'Oh, you guys!'"

It was exceedingly strange. AND REALLY AWESOME. Anyone who wasn't there missed quite a show - I would do it a million bajillion times again!