SCREW YOU TOM HANKS

Oh hey everyone! Remember me? I don't, because my brain is FULL OF THE POLAR EXPRESS.

Let me just say, that it's hard being someone who knows how to say things so she's understood. It leads one to say that precise thing 100 times in a row to 100 families who've shown up to pick up tickets for the Polar Express. I'm the Marcia BLEEPing Brady of the Polar Express and sometimes, I want to kill myself ("Cruel Railroading Intentions," anyone?)

Actually, I'm like a Polar Express robot. You can purchase me for for the rate of $9/hr plus overtime, and I come pre-loaded with the following options:

1. Excessive, energetic holiday cheer
2. A natural love of children
3. Knowledge of all the things you need (and don't need) to know to reserve, pay for, and ride on the Polar Express
4. Ability to direct masses of people so that they don't interfere with each other or other people who are using the train station
5. Ability to magically make more room for anyone on any Polar Express train (no really, the train works exactly like Mary Poppins' handbag)
6. Ability to refrain from killing everyone ever

Number 6 is the most important part if you want people to actually survive the Polar Express. I've actually thought it might be fun to do the DEADLY Polar Express, with the catchphrase "Believe...THAT YOU MIGHT BE NEXT." Then the train would be a survior style game where if your kid is too annoying we chuck both of you off the train and you have to survive in the Utica Marsh in the snow until you can get to a populated area or until someone can come to rescue you for the drug dealers and geese. Anyone? I think that would be much more my style.